I haven’t had a good night’s rest in months. I lay awake at night, the minutes ticking by, obsessing over outlandish scenarios and things I can’t control. Like cougars attacking my daughter while she plays outside, our house going up in flames, my dead abuser coming back to get me and so much more. These intrusive thoughts play over and over in my head, messing with my ability to just calm the fuck down and actually fall asleep.
Instead, the panic attacks take hold. My heart races, my head aches and my body feels like it’s unraveling. My brain spirals down a wormhole of anxiety and paranoia.
Coping with these feelings at bedtime is incredibly difficult. I’ alone with my thoughts and completely vulnerable. Often times, I ground myself by sitting up and taking deep breaths. Then I’ll brain dump by journaling my anxieties and paranoid thoughts. But when things bad, when the buspirone I’m on just isn’t enough, I take a clonazepam and wait for it to take me away. Away from the intrusive thoughts, the anxiety and paranoia.
Far, far away.