I’ve been struggling lately, unsure of my life’s direction and purpose. Having left the workforce following a suicide attempt four years ago, I’ve been feeling a little lost and like I have nothing of value to contribute. Being a stay at home mom has been challenging and fulfilling in its own way, but I can’t help feeling like maybe I need more.
I’d been struggling with depression and PTSD from childhood sexual abuse for years, but I functioned just enough to manage two part time jobs. They kept me busy and gave me a sense of purpose. Most days my work distracted me from the full weight of emotional trauma and depression, but some days were incredibly difficult.
And one day the pain just became too much to bear.
Following my suicide attempt, I immediately quit both jobs to focus on healing. Making it from one day to the next was my number one priority. Caring for myself was difficult. I spent most days in bed and self-care was non-existent.
Three years later, I’m still working hard on healing, surviving and learning to thrive while living with depression and PTSD. I’ve come a long way and I credit that to leaving the workforce and embracing my life as a stay at home mom. It’s afforded me the luxury of focusing on and caring for myself for a good chunk of the day without the stresses that come with working outside the home.
While being a stay at home mom has its own set of challenges, I miss the unique sense of purpose and fulfillment that came with work. I love being a stay at home mom, but I need more.
I’m not sure what “more” looks like. Finding things that challenge me and bring me joy and personal fulfillment? Maybe returning to my roots as a photographer or continuing my education. Maybe setting aside time for writing and personal reflection. Or discovering who I am outside of my life as a wife and mother.
Whatever “more” happens to look like, I’m looking forward to discovering the things that bring me joy and personal fulfillment while uncovering who I am at the core.